I’m writing this in the midst of frustration. We’ll see what I decide to actually publish…
Right now the oldest is playing, the 4 year old is at preschool, and the baby is sleeping. Right now is my work time, the time where I take off my mom/wife hat and get to put on my photographer/CEO hat. For the record, the mom hat is usually a ball cap covered in food and spit and the photographer hat is super cute and trendy. There is a teeny tiny fraction of the day when these things line up. It’s actually only three days a week… but who’s counting?! Me. I’m counting.
In-Home Family Photography Session
It amounts to about an hour, maybe an hour and a half. It’s precious to me, almost too much so. Today, during this finite sliver when I’m trying to wrap things up with my business in one city, open it up in our new home, and keep up with all of the regular things I do behind the scenes, my oldest has all of a sudden needed help with his solo activity. Then, when I stopped everything to relocate my laptop to the kitchen so I could help and work at the same time, his friends came to the door to play. So he went out to play.
Awesome, I get my undivided attention back on work.
In-Home Newborn Family Photography Session in Temple, TX.
Well, for 15 minutes until my husband comes home from the gym. Since I’m at the kitchen table, he doesn’t realize I’m working and starts asking me questions about the grocery pickup and who’s getting Emily from school. I stop what I’m doing again to check my e-mail to see if the grocery order is ready and come up with a plan for school pick-up. Now Henry is back from the playground and asks if he can watch TV. While I’m tempted to say yes, I know that Jack should be up soon so I’m not going to waste that screen time.
I’ve put this high value on my work time, because it is so hard to come by. I’ve almost quit photography once or twice, convinced that I can’t run the business that I want because of my family. It’s like a punch to the gut to say that out loud, so-to-speak. It makes me feel selfish and ungrateful. Ultimately, I’ve come to the realization several times that being a family photographer these last 10 years has given me the BLESSING of being able to care for my own children in their early years, of being home to cook meals for our family since my husband’s schedule can be erratic. Some parents are just simply not able to provide those things even if they want to. I want to be home with my kids for these years but it means that I will probably get interrupted. I want to nurse my baby but it does make it more difficult to leave him with someone else.
It’s not necessarily an illusion to be able to have it all. The illusion is that it will come easily, or naturally, and won’t require sacrifice. Every so often, I need a little mental reset to remind myself of that.
I love my art and creating in general so its easy for me to feel like a whole part of me is unfulfilled when my business get pushed aside for other things. But those other things are important too: my children and my relationship with them, my husband and our marriage, the health of our whole household, building real, solid, friendships.
All of this to say: If you are in a similar boat, I get it. It’s a weird pull in many directions when you actually love what you do.
On a totally unrelated note, who has a good babysitter they want to share? 🙃